HI!(ATUS)

AFTER what can only be described as the longest hiatus in this rather changeable dedication to writing, I am pleased to announce that I have, once again, learnt new things as of late!
A welcome breath of freshly rained on air, these knew nuggets of information are a result of a brief period of apathy being swiftly followed by serveral months that have lead to me to believe that:

ONE] This really is going to be the best summer yet.  After having predicted this just before the new year, I now
         see it beginning to take shape, mainly due to the fact that
                   a] I like planning surprises, and
                   b] I bought my Secret Garden Party ticket as soon as was humanly possible.  I get to see Blondie,
                   The Bees, C.W Stoneking, probably humpty dumpty [again] and a whole host of other delightfully
                   random and plain bizarre happenings.  If, like Germany's Food Standards Agency, you've been a bit
                   slow and out of the loop, you will have missed out on a chance to get a ticket as this has now
                   SOLD OUT. Don't worry though, I found you this t-shirt:

Hello happiest self-proclaimed noob i'll ever see.

                    

TWO] My music collection is really rather abysmal.  Everything I own appears to be from the years between my

         sixteenth and eighteenth birthdays.  Whilst I can't deny Fever To Tell is a great album, and Garfield

         [Adam Green] is as strange and nostalgic as Sweet Valley High [WHICH, I believe, they're making a new

         series for. I can only imagine that this will include less nineties hairstyles and more cleavage], it has been

         brought to my attention by my new music-guru that frankly, I'm the most musically un-cultured person

         since Gina G.  IF you suddenly have the urge to help me in my musical plight, please send me

         bands/songs/youtube links/essays on why I need to find my inner Motown twin and I'll be as happy as

         that boy on the Old El Paso adverts.

You may only be able to see his back, but ohhh how he is grinning.

THREE] The best things come to those who wait.

             Probably the oldest, cheddar cheesiest phrase in the Old Cheesy Phrasebook: A Beginner's Guide but

             whoever came up with this [and it lets be honest, it's probably a quote off TOWIE because that's

             practically gospel or somethin' yeah JEL] knew exactly what they were talking about.

             Here's to hoping that this summer brings:

                          a] anything REMOTELY exciting for my band HEARTS

                          b] dry weather for festivals, and

                          c] relocation

I'll probably learn something in Cyprus, but If I don't, you'll hear about that in about two weeks' time after my time with hot weather etc.

That's normally the face I pull after eating strawberry laces.

x

CRYSTAL FIGHTERS, HMV INSTITUTE, BIRMINGHAM, 23rd March '11

UNSURE as to whether there were sound problems or not, as I walk in to the middle of London based JOYOUS's set it seemed as though the band had confused the crowd with audio-challenged pensioners, resulting in ten decibel shouting which reached its peak [vocally] during a song starting at the wrong pitch and remaining so for the majority of the song. That being said, the the crowd seemed to be won over by their youthful passion and clear love for the stage.

I was therefore pleasantly surprised when London's own Get People kicked off with something that can only be described as what The Knife sexing up Hot Chip in Herculese and Love Affair's van would sound like, but with more smiles on account of the highly excitable guitarist.  Creating seriously contageous synth pop sprinkled with shakes from the best percussive instrument I think I've ever seen: a pineapple maracca, this outift are as tight as Kate Moss' leather trousers as well as being really rather good.  Stand Out Song of the night: Careless which you can listen to here HERE

Get People: Always on the hunt for Pineapples

At this point, and having only just realised that Get People were not in fact the headline act, on step Crystal Fighters, a bizarre visual feast of people who seemed to have been picked from an 'opposite band' convention.  True to their appearance, the set went from sounding like Jamie T at a Carnival in Brazil, moving to KOL, Britney Spears and back to England with a completely unpredicted dubstep interlude during Swallow, which was followed by the wildy popular homage to electro I Love London.  Needless to say I was confused when it began and remained confused until it ended; excusing that, the band clearly have pulling-power and succeed in getting pretty much everyone involved.  Special mention must go to the Humpty Dumpty-esque light that was seen to be flashing throughout on the right of the stage next to the semi-naked guitarist.

Humpty's a bit camera shy

All in all an eyeopener of a gig.
I'd see Get People again purely for the pineapple maracca, and i'd see Crystal Fighters just in case they bring back Michael Jackson from the dead.

www.myspace.com/crystalfighters

www.myspace.com/joyousb

www.myspace.com/getpeople

SECRET BOMBSHELL PARTY

GOODNESS.
It has been a long time.  I'm not quite sure whether this is down to me being ill for weeks on end, me not learning anything or me being lazy [the last two are not mutually exclusive]; suffice to say that I think it's about time to re-open my learning arms to the world and embrace the new air of intellectual activity/interest that seems to be circulating hand in hand with news of the Middle Eastern rebellions, Japan's earthquake disaster and the 'Summer'.

ONE]  It may surprise you to know, therefore, that the first thing on my list concerns Marilyn Monroe. Yes, it was
          only a few days ago that I discovered that this ultimate, perfectly formed blonde bombshell [a lady who had
          one shoe heel smaller than the other in order to accentuate her 'wiggle'] was married, if briefly, to none
          other than literary superstar [if you're taking English GCSE] Arthur Miller.  I'm not entirely sure why this
          shocked me, but it's probably down to the fact that i'd always imagined him looking like a cross between
          Pavarotti and Tony Shalhoub [the guy who plays Adrian Monk, the loveable OCD Detective. Thanks
          daytime TV + sick days.]It pleases me to know that Mr. Miller was in fact tall and slim, did not sport a
          goatee and wore pretty brilliant glasses.

"I'm sorry Marilyn YOU COMPLETE BABE can it wait? I'm posing."

TWO] I don't like coffee [coffee cakes make me want to cry a litle bit] and I don't like Martinis, but i've recently 
         learnt that I do like the adventurously named 'Espresso Martini'.  Although one of the campest drinks a man
         can be seen to be holding, I defy anyone to turn his nose up at this King of Cocktails.  Best Feature: This
        drink actually tastes how coffee smells and is topped off with three little coffee beans.
        It is not OK however to drink this if:
                         a] you're going to end the night in half an hour.  These things pack an insane energy punch; and
                         b] there are bowls of fruit lying around the incredibly poncy bar you've been taken to.The fruit will
                             end up in someone's face and you will wake up with a lime next to you. [a little more green
                             and a little smaller than you're used to]

Yeah they may look innocent, but the tongue gives it away.

THREE] Blondie is playing Secret Garden Party! I had a brilliant time at this festival last year [i would not be
             surprised if it was actually run by pixies] even though the main acts, it has to be said, were about as
             interesting as Mr Bean's big toe. [urghh feet]. So, having bought my ticket I can safely say that Debbie
            Harry's show [another blonde bombshell, if a little more wrinkly but less dead] is just another really good
            reason to get a ticket, which you can do HERE 

Here's a picture i took of some cannibals at last year's SGP.

I've quite a busy weekend in store.
Expect things to be learnt.

x

SILVER TROPHY WITCHES

LAST night saw the Hare and Hounds packed once again for a night of musical delights brought to us by Birmingham Promoters in association with Metropolis, a trend which is swiftly seeing Birmingham's gig scene rising, on The Scale Of 1-OK, to really quite brilliant.
Finally we don't have to travel up to the Yorkshire Moors or down to the streets of Jack the Ripper to see a half decent band and this, my friends, is incredibly good news.

On to the bands and first up were Birmingham's own  (Silver) Souvenirs, a band clearly chosen due to their ability to captivate, relax, excite [and probably juggle] an audience simultaneously, a quality which is difficult to come by.  A synth-pop sundae with sprinkles of math rock [but with far better quality vocals], (Silver) Souvenirs make it very difficult for anyone, in what must have been a particularly daunting full room,  to resist dancing.

That's a lot of love from some lovely looking ladies right there.

Photo by Jade Sukiya : She's Hot and She can take damn good photos.

Next on were Oxford's TROPHY WIFE who were what can only be described as a very bizarre looking live act. This is not to say that the music wasn't of a high standard, more that their on-stage anctics were a bit of a distraction with the [passionate] drummer looking as though he'd created his own world in a stobe-lighting lit club in Ibiza and the synth player pounding his pedals in a leprechaun like manner.  Having said that, the singer's no-frills-but-deeply-sweet vocals and the contageous bass riffs and beats in the form of well-known White Horses and ever popular Microlite were enough to win the crowd over, with the end coming in the form of a soup'd up, dance cover of Joanna Newsom's Book Of Right On.

The chappies are all very lovely looking but I just really like looking at this photo.  Not staring, like a weirdo, just looking.

The final act of the night were Esben and the Witch , a deeply dark three piece hailing from sunny Brighton.  Although not much of a continuation from the other more 'lively' bands, EATW wear a welcome breath of air, albeit fresh in the loosest sense.  The hauntingly soft yet equally powerful vocals [which, i must add, sound much better live] marriaged with morose guitar punches and lighter synth sounds really create an atmosphere of uncertainty and excitement.  I've got to add though that whilst this was all very new and good [in Birmingham standards at least], the obligotary 'I'm a girl so I have to play bass drum in every song a bit like the ting tings but with more eyeliner' was something that did quite the opposite to setting them apart from the other girl/boy bands currently spending their lives on twitter. That being said, they are most definitely worth a listen, live if you can make it, with stand -out songs being Marching Song and Warpath.
Catch them today at London's XOYO and tomorrow in Brussels.

I couldn't actually see their faces at the gig because they'd all let their hair down back to front.

They're all lovely looking too.  No witches here. Jog on.

x

CYCLIN' SPESH

FOR some reason I feel inclined to say that I haven't really learnt anthing of importance within the last few weeks.
Why this is the case I have no idea, so I'm trawling through my memories like a starved scavenger in search of something to say so as not to leave this page all cold, bare and un-funny, like Harry Hill's head.

I'm sorry but I find him as funny as my feet. I don't laugh, I cringe.

Here we go anyway:

ONE] Twos-ing on a bicycle at half past four in the morning around London after a night of Espresso Martinis [I
         had to make myself fit in with the crowd somehow] is incredibly irresponsible.  I don't care though because:
                         a] It beat awkward conversation with a cab driver who doesn't agree with drinking.
                         b] I saw pretty much an entire city by night and discovered roundabouts I did not know existed.
                         c] it's pretty thrilling as several near-death experiences turn into jokes.
        Basically it was a lot of fun.
        It is not OK to do this however if:
                         a] neither of you know London [thankfully one of us did, just about]
                         b] you're not wearing ankle pads covered in bubble wrap.  I returned to my room with several
                            large greeny-blue bruises. Attractive!

This is actually what we looked like. Except I was only crying inside.

TWO] Being ill, having to stay at home and being faced with NO Man Vs Food [the only thing worth watching on
         TV] is a recipe for absolute disaster.  I have discovered that I can not stay still for more than five minutes,
         six at best.  This is annoying because:
                        a] at this point I don't really have the energy to move, but I'm trying really quite hard, dragging my
                            feet and pulling the sad face, a picture more pathetic than Bin Laden at a Human Rights
                            ralley.
                       b] once you've made it off the sofa you realise there is nothing you can do, so you make the epic
                           five minute journey back and fall asleep.
                       c] it makes me feel like a HOBO.

To be honest I think he is just attention seeking. Look at that goatee.

THREE] I have friends cooler than Anne Robinson in the Arctic eating ice cream.  This sparkly gem was
             produced by TANTRUMS and friends in what can only be described as a moment of genius. Fans of Junior Spesh and lovers of the famous fast-food outlets in Birmingham must hear this.
CHICKEN SPESH

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

They do other serious songs too. Really good like.

Enjoy.
I can't really say more than that.

x

METRONOMY, 23rd JANUARY '11

Whilst this weekend saw me devouring enough food to sustain a baby elephant for a week [standard at Greek parties/dinners, of which I attended two], it was washed down nicely with a giant gulp of LED Formation lights and incredibly catchy synthy refrains in the form of Devon/London veterans Metronomy.

A far cry from the ten-strong dribble that attended a gig five years ago at the then Med Bar in the Custard Factory, Metronomy commanded the stage and controlled the crowd like Derren Brown on a particularly good day but with better sound effects.

Opening with an old favourite, probably Back on the Motorway or Holiday [memory loss due to Captain Morgan, you bad man], we were immediately drawn in as the band bobbed and harmonized their way through a set of past, present and future gems.  Memories such as You Could Easily Have Me made an unexpected but welcome appearance complete with saxophone solo, followed by songs from the second wave including the much loved and widely re-mixed Heatbreaker.  Interspersed with new tunes from forthcoming album The English Riviera maintaining the ever familiar electronic hum and drum of Metronomy's signature sound with hints of new-found experimental chord progressions and brilliantly daring harmonies, suffice to say everyone left the venue in a mad scurry to scour the internet for a sneak peak. Favourite new tracks include We Broke Free and She Wants; definitely justification for spending.

They don't hover on stage, but if they did I'd be pretty excited.

Support came from Birmingham's own solo 'Electronic Musician'  Seams (James Welch) who produced club-worthy tracks single-handedly on stage coming up for no air until the final button was pushed, and London/New Zealand based Connan Mockasin who sounded like mélange of late nineties Nirvana in a sixties timewarp. Surprising but incredibly contageous and well worth a listen.

METRONOMY
SEAMS
CONNAN MOCKASIN

HAPPY NEW YOIK

GOSH.
It certainly has been a while since I have had enough new knowledge to attempt to write something interesting on this page, and since I last wrote I have seen Snow, Christmas, New Year, New York and New Years' Resolutions all fly past me in a speedy cloud of candy canes and marshmallows. [Not True]

It would seem, therefore, that I should have learnt a lot during this month of festivities;
but in all honesty I coldn't tell you whether it is enough to fill a Christmas Stocking or an entire Grotto.  Here begins my list in an attempt to reveal just what the bloody hell I've been doing all this time:

ONE] Surprises really are one of the greatest things to have been created on this earth, right up there with
         electricity and make-up remover. [except for instances like I'm actually a man. Surprise! in which case it
         moves considerably lower down the list. Thanks Jerry Springer] This is because:
               a] it flicks some 'childhood switch' in peoples' brains and reverts them to the age of five, which is
                   mostly very endearing. [It is not however OK to take this as an opportunity to squeal like a pig.]
               b] thinking you're getting speakers for Christmas and actually getting a macbook adds ten points to
                   your answer to the On a scale of one to ten, how good was your Christmas Day? question.
               c] if you're having a bad day, a surprise can make it considerably better.  If you're having a good day
                   a surprise will make you feel like that homeless man with the voiceover voice now he's a celeb, if he
                   received a cheque from Bil Gates. [that's pretty happy].

This is a pretty good 'surprise face', although I'm not sure the surprise involved sweets, or a Mac.

TWO] The limbo time after Christmas and before New Years' Eve can be horrendously boring. UNLESS YOU GO
          TO NEW YORK. [and unless you've been playing a five-day game of monopoly]  Without sounding clichéd,
           I had a brilliant time being a tourist during these days.  I had my camera in my hand twenty four hours a
           day, ordered chips with everuything and said 'wow' an awful lot.
           That being said, we had a trusty 'non-touristy' guide in the form of Julia Krivonos who took my sister and I
           round Brooklyn and other places- like American Apparrel. [1oo% not lying. I wish I was.]
           Highlights had to be walking past Backstreet Boys performing a few hits [debateable] on-stage in Times
           Square and seeing the beautiful 3D light projection show on the building opposite the Rockerfeller Centre.
          [during which time we saw a lady get knocked over by a car. Not so good. She got up though and was
          taken to hospital, whilst dancing ball-balls were singining on a skyscraper.]  I did however learn that:
                a] it is probably not a good idea to learn to ice skate in central park - in the festive season - whilst two
                    year olds are pirouetting around you.  I'd also suggest you bring your own skates if you have them. 
                    The ones I rented have left a lovely hole in my foot. Incredibly fun though!
                b] it is probably a very good idea to take a real life camera rather than a phone.  Here are some I took
                    though, quality aside:

There was a lot of snow. I didn't want to sit down anyway so..

A good example of a 'surprise!' face.

there's more HERE . [not that many really]

THREE] New Years' Resolutions are only worth aiming for if they are remotely realistic.  That's not always
             particulary fun though. [lets face it, Jude Law is getting married soon, again, to someone who is not
             any of us. IIt's time to let go.]. So I'll leave you with mine.  I'm not saying whether they are realistic
             or not. I'm just saying:

                                      Get Signed. Get luvved up. Learn to Skate.
[I can actually spell].
www.myspace.com/hearthesehearts  (plug, plug, plug)

Happy New Year.
Here's to the best summer yet.

x