DIS[NEY] IS DA LIFE

I'm back; safe and sound and sad beyond belief. I've never been so low sitting at an airport in my life as I was two Friday nights ago. As you would expect I learnt a lot of things in Disneyworld [you are never too old to visit Mickey] so here are a few:

ONE] Star Wars is big in America: so much so that Disney held several Star Wars weekends this month, two of
         which were the weekends that we happened to be there. Amongst the autograph signings [by voiceovers
         of the Star Wars cartoons] and the random characters walking around with their full attire in 35°C, were the
         largest, most chocolatey Darth Vader cupcakes I have ever seen. Were they sold in a niche Star Wars
         store next to the Tower of Terror? Nope, you could get them in every single fast food outlet on-site.
         Brilliant. If only Starbucks were as enthusiastic, "I'll have a tall, extra-choc Darth to go please". Whilst
         i've never given the films enough time [rather wrongly I imagine] the atmosphere was great and the extra
         'will-i-get-attacked-by-the-random-Chewbacca-hanging-out-by-the-tree' thing was a super addition to the
         already brilliant park that is Disney's Hollywood Studios.

These were real men in suits standing on the roof of the park as you entered. Propa Freaky.

TWO] Ducks are cute and so are most children:I say most - I mean all except the one who was taken to EPCOT
          on the same day as us. Children are inquisitive and this is [thankfully] in their nature, but does that give
          them the right to terrorise small, helpless ducks, innocently crossing the road from Mexico to China? I

          think you'll find it does not! Once, i could forgive. Twice and I could pretend I didn't see. But to nearly run
          over a duck and drive it into a brick wall FOUR TIMES is just completely out of order. And what does the
          little menace's mother do? Stand on the other side of the path and smile. Smile?! I don't think the duck's
          mother was smiling. [It wasn't - it was running away from the little boy] Can I just state that at this

          point most people standing opposite Italy and Norway were also shocked and [although my re-telling of
          this story has made me sound like the lunatic] I'm enclosing a picture just to evoke empathy.

Top left. Poor Ducky.

THREE]Chilis like to be left alone: Chili update  #2 The Unknown Chilis are taking the lead, showing rainforest-

            like signs with the slightly dwarfed American Chilis a very close second. Jalapeno and Scotch Bonnett
            are like the 'It' girls of Chilis. They sit there all day doing nothing but drink and soak up the 

            Sun. Signs of life? Debatable.

Go chillis GO!

Close-up shot. As requested by the sun-soakers.

So there you have it.

Disney done.

UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

See YOU next June.

SK.

CHILILEE

Two really quick posts about things I have learnt today:

ONE] Good things come to those who wait! Yes, I could go all philosophical on you, but really I am talking about

         my Chilis. I have been growing four types for what feels like a century, but after having slagged them off a 

         fair few times and assumed the worst - death - they decided to pop up and say "Hiya" just in time for my
         arrival back home from work. Granted, there is not much growth, but considering they were non existant
         this morning, I am pretty chuffed! SO, in a few weeks [hopeful] I should have photographs of:
            a] Scotch Bonnets: Also known as Boabs Bonnet, Scotty Bons, Bonney Peppers or Caribbean red
                peppers, these seemingly innocent chilis have a heat rating of 100,000-350,000 Scoville Units
                [which on a scale of 1 to mind-blowingly-hot is about mind-blowingly-hot].
            b] Jalapenos: The well known medium-sized-Mexican-affiliated chili gracing burritos, paellas and pizzas
                worldwide. [also the only one of my chilis not to show any sign of life]
            c] American Chilis: Wikipedia has never heard of these so i'm guessing Wilko's made them up.
            d] The Unknown Chilis: Not their name but rather the fact that I ripped the packet that the seeds were in
                and tore through the name of them...naturally.

Here they are all pretty in a row. Makeshift tray courtesy of a big bag+Stuart Fenton's man skills.

..and here is my beautiful Scotch Bonnet...

Please stay tuned for weekly Chili updates. [my chilis have a sense of humour as they've decided to grow just before I go away for an entire week]

TWO] A quick TWO: I am please to report that Cision's Jubilee party was a complete success. The afternoon
         saw sales and research turn into what looked like a bunch of avid bulemics and all left floor 3
         feeling sick and satisfied.

Hm, fairly modest spread?

err..WRONG.

I will be away for a week as of Saturday BUT rest assured, I will return having learnt a whole host of Mickey Mouse-based things.

Happy Summer.

SK

                   

BANK HOLIDAY HARRISON

This extra day of freedom has given me the time [minus the energy] to write another update. In the last few days I have learnt several pretty interesting nuggets of information worthy of a mention:

ONE] Never underestimate the coolness of parents. Forget all the bad dancing, double denim fashion faux pas

         and occasional exaggerated stories, they'll come up trumps for you when you least expect it. I learnt this

         last week after the most incredible gesture brought me to tears outside the dodgy looking computer shop

         near the co-op on Old Street. Lord knows this means years of baking, amazing presents and errands I

         almost certainly will offer to do years before they need to be done, but really, on a scale of 1 to irrelevant,

         I'd say my gestures are an 11 in comparison. The only cases in which you will ever be exempt from this

         are:

              a) if your parents are Liza Minelli and David Guest. [no child deserves this punishment] Or,  

              b) if your parents have given you a name like [I kid you not] Field or Ikea. [In fact in this case you

                  have absolute permission from [probably] everyone in the world to turn them in to the police or

                  something of equal punishment.]

I can't really add to this.

TWO] George Harrison of Beatles fame wrote a song called 'My Sweet Lord' containing the words 'Hare Krishna'

          and 'Hallelujah'. What? I know - pretty far out baby; but the most bizarre bit is that the single was an

          international number 1 hit in 1971. Whilst the sixties saw the world sweep into a haze of spiritualism and

          [mainly] acid, I for one am still shocked at the thought of Tom, Dick and Harry returning back from a hard

          days graft, running to the record player and frantically looking for their beloved Harrison LP, skipping all

          the words [because they can't figure them out] except 'Hare Krishna'. I had to give this song a go and oh

          dear, it's as though an elephant has its foot stuck on the repeat button in my head. It's not the greatest

          song ever written, but it is certainly a great pop song in the sense that is is annoyingly catchy with

          cheesy lyrics you're afraid to sing out loud on the bus. 

          You should absolutely not listen to this song however if:

              a) you are easily swayed by obvious subliminal messaging. [there's a lot of Hare Krishna chanting
                  and I wouldn't want to be responsible for a sudden surge in people shaving their heads and walking
                  up and down Oxford Street], or

              b) you're part of the Polyphonic spree. You don't need any further encouragement.

"This is me in India lol."

Now whip out those daisy chains and wave goodbye to the winter! Watch Hazza in action HERE

I'm currently in bed surrounded by duvets, green tea and paracetamol.
Maybe i'll learn something new in a few hours like the answer to the question  'How much daytime TV does it take to scare the living daylights out of a cold?'

SK

        

PARADISE B[R]EA[D]CH

After what seems like a lifetime since my last post, I'm going to try and fill you in on the things I have learnt in the past few months.


ONE] Positive thinking actually works - and who would have thought it? I am now living in London very  
         close to where I work and even closer to my favourite person in the world. Now call me crazy, but
         a few months before I was offered this job I read up on how the mind controls the body and the
         effects of positive thinking. Whilst I didn't turn into a water-heating, brick-breaking monk, I did adopt this
         way of thinking and, within a few weeks, I was topping up my oyster card and refusing a London Evening
         Standard. I urge you all to give this a go unless, 
              a) you are friends with Breivik and think you're part of the Knights Templar. We don't need any more
                  positive-thinking murderers on the loose who don't know what century they were born in [is he best
                  friends with Judas too?] or, 
              b) you work for E!. The presenters on that channel are far too happy already [for people who talk about
                  the Kardashians all day] and don't need further encouragement.

Kim Kardashian - Style Icon

TWO] I CAN go a week without pizza. Really? You don't believe me? You can clearly see the evidence strewn
         across my face whenever I walk past Firezza or even [forgive me] Dominos and have to peel my eyes and
         hands from the window. This is good! No-this is not good. I have found myself substituting this doughy
         feast for another starchy surprise - The [seemingly innocent] Plain Bread Roll. This can be bought from
         any [literally any] shop you walk past which is bad because, 
              a) i have no will power and, 
              b) I HAVE NO WILL POWER
        This week I have set myself the challenge of limiting my bread dosage to the days I am running ONLY. As
        my colleagues may read this I [probably] have no way of backing out. I'm going to need a lot of luck and a 
        lot of distractions so please, if you can, help me.

Genius. They keep your feat toasty and double up as a snack. I'll take ten.

THREE] Holidays are expensive! Well done for stating the obvious Stavrini - but it has really come to my
             attention this year. If you want to book a five day holiday in June to a not-very-exclusive resort in
             Europe, you need to have not eaten for a month and stayed at home for about two. How do people
             manage it?! What tricks am I missing? What deals aren't being flung my way? Why is the sky blue?
             Who knows? All I can say is if you have any advice/websites/deals you wish to share with me for this
             year or the next, please get in contact. I will show my gratitude by:
                a) writing a review of my wonderful trip and/or
                b) sending links to people left, right and centre and/or
                c) sending you a postcard

That's me at the end of the pier under the tree IN MY DREAMS.

SO [in summary] if you are a positive-thinking-bread-busting-holiday-making genius I need to become your lunch buddy.


Until next time, 
Stan
[The runner. I've become one of those people you dodge on a really skinny pavement. See me with a face asd red as a beetroot three times a week around Angel]

SCATTER STANLEY

Why i've decided to tell you about my disasterous day in the form of a limerick i'm still trying to fathom, but really, if i don't laugh, i'll cry!
So here's my homage to POLLY BEAN

ONE, When sending e-mails

you really really must

make sure you've read through EVERYTHING

and don't just trust your gut.

"Oh please sir won't you hire me

I promise i'll be great!"

Just try and ignore

(you absolute clown)

my glaring big MISTAKE.

I definitely pulled this face

TWO, When sending e-mails

and after this mistake,

make sure you've not just sent this out

to practically an entire estate.

It's really not the way to go

to get your one dream job.

More likely now

you'll sit around

and become a JK* Slob!

I can't believe this was the best caption Google had.

So after all this learning

I think suffice to say

I will not make

this same mistake

until my dying day.

I may send ridiculous e-mails

and deem myself a scatter,

But really when it comes to it, it DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.

*(Jeremy Kyle, obviously)

INVISIBLE MADEMOISELLE

BACK to the point we go, and in keeping with the theme of this blog I'm going to relay to you a few snippets of information that I have learnt this week. 

ONE] The Mind controls the Body (and not the other way round) - Is this another obscure Coldplay Album Title? It most
           certainly is not; rather the most important thing I've ever written down [with exception obviously;  "i<3 chips" =
            important] .  Whilst most of us hear this in passing, making a slight nod of acknowledgement in reply,
           these words have the power to revolutionize our lives [or so Google tells me].  I'm not suggesting we all become
           monks and make appearences on reality TV shows because we can dry wet towels on cue with the heat we
           have summoned through meditation [this is absoutely possible and has happened- apparently], rather that we
           all [and by that I clearly mean me] think about what we could really do if we took some notice of the potential of
           our minds.  My research into this topic led me to something fashioned by Napoleon Hill called The Invisible
          Counselor Technique [full details of which are found in his first-of-a-kind self-help book Think and Grow Rich
          (1953)]. This technique basically allows your mind to leave the boundries of your own life and review your 'situation'
          [whether you be a complulsive doughnut eater or a gymnast afraid of lycra] through the eyes and thoughts of other
          people who have characteristics you admire and would like to steal [ultimately]. 
          Do not however attempt this if you:

                    a] think you might be the slightest bit mentally unstable [Someone walking in to your room whilst you're
                          discussing  anger management issues with Ghandi would be sufficient ammunition] and/or
                    b] your heroes include Charles Bronson and Kermit the Frog [no one likes a murdering green muppet with a
                         moustache]

This is how he scared away the police.

      Of course I agreed to try this [so can you, if you just click HERE ], and whilst it might sound like a load of spat, all I'm
       going to stay is that last night Coco Chanel told me to carry on writing this blog, and who am I to protest?

TWO] The French are the world's most radical feminists as of 12th January 2012.
            Yes, the term 'Mademoiselle' [that's 'Miss' to the rest of us] is no longer allowed to be used in the town of
            Cesson- Sevigne as the mayor believes that in enforcing this change he is helping 'eliminate discrimination'
           ( BBC NEWS ).
            Wonderful.  Now the town is a better place with the criminals [who seizing this opportunity to do what they do best
            whilst the governing bodies spend their time in crafts classes making badges with the word 'Mademoiselle'
            crossed out in furious red] now being called Madame Le Thief instead of Mademoiselle le Thief on their papers
            of arrest at the station.

Money well spent

A successful week of learning and It's not even Friday.

SK

NYR2012

A NEW YEAR and with it a new drive to fulfill all your new years' resolutions and kick start a healthy lifestyle after the
christmas binge.  If only this drive lasted more than a few weeks. "Is this a challenge?" I hear you cry! [if I could magically hear responses to this post in a psycho big-brother esque way.] So, in the spirit of this new January-fuelled inspiration, I will [against the grain of the topic of all previous posts] list my NYRs [New Years Resolutions] with you all bearing witness in the hope that it will encourage me to actually see them through til 2o13.

ONE] Read Every Day: An obvious yet rarely continued choice here, something I actioned on the 2nd day of January
          [the only thing anyone did on 1st was stretch a few toes out of bed and doze off to 8Os films. If you did anything
           other than this your NYE probably involved TV re-runs and cocktail sausages].  Being a bit more specific than
           'read more' [which really means look at your bookshelf and decide which book you might start at some point], i've
           made this resolution easier to break but simultaneously easier to keep up! SNEAKY.
          NOTE: if you're going to use this one too, do not under any circumstances attempt it if:
                            a] reading to you comprises the last few pages of the Metro, or
                            b] you have a Jodie Marsh autobiography readily waiting to be opened on your beside table. No no no.

'Keeping it Real' The most ironic title EVER.

TWO] Write More: Yes, I have used 'more', but you can't force creativity and if you can, being 'Rebecca Black' doesn't
           count!  In all seriousness, I think it's important to push yourself, even if you've gone through what seems like a 365
           day creative block.  This one for me is going to include Songs and  blog posts [which I started about this time last
           year and was really enthusiastic about- for a few months].  Don't think you can get out of this one either! It can
           apply to any form of creativity, anything that you create out of nothing [doodles included, although lets be honest, if
           that's all you can come up with you probably need some other NYRs along the lines of 'FIND NEW JOB' or 'STOP
           READING JODIE MARSH's AUTOBOPGRAPHY'].

If you doodle like THIS though, I'll let you off.

THREE] Make More Effort with my Appearance: Whereas I don't think I dress particularly scruffy or, on the contrary,
               gaga-like [If I dressed like her i'd be given a straight jacket not a record deal] I think my clothing and hair could
               do with some fine tuning. If I wake up and look like the love child of shrek and SuBo I'm going to spend time
               sorting it out before I unleash myself onto the world. If I can't be bothered to think of an outfit, I'm going to hide
               my 'easy option' jeans for a week -and so on. Whilst I'm realising that this is starting to make me sound as
               shallow as Rupert Murdoch's fan-mail sack, I think it's going to be a good one to get into the habit of keeping
               up.  You may also need to try this if:
                            a] You like to wear the colour orange, and/or
                            b] coincidentally, you look like Jodie Marsh does now, or a year ago. [I have no idea why she's taken
                                 over. NYR No. 4 Stop talking about Jodie Marsh]

About as popular as having to work on Christmas Day

I only managed to fulfil one NYR last year [the best one].
2o12 is going to better than 2o11 though, so that's fine.

Happy New Year Everyone
SK