FIRST AID, BOSOM BABE

SO after a hiatus of a few hours I am back with things I've learnt this week:

ONE] First aid is FUN: Really? How can something that is focused around bringing people back to life be

         remotely associated with the 'F' word? Well - I will demonstrate with a few diagrams that were produced
         by me and explained by my first aid partner Holly. Don't however look at these drawing if:

            a] you are squeamish. These drawings are preeetty realistic. or, 

            b] you get offended by stick men.

Exhibit A. Drawing 1 clearly shows a person sticking a knife into a toaster. Naughty stick man. Now you have been electrocuted [as shown by the stick man laying on the floor]. Drawing 2 clearly shows a person that has been stuck in a warm lift for a long time and, on leaving, is about to faint. Should have fixed that lift.

Exhibit B. Drawing 3 clearly shows a person lying unconscious and NOT breathing [very important] having fallen down the stairs after doing a little dance. Oh dear. Drawing 4 clearly shows a person with a burn, after they felt the need to spill their hot water [who drinks hot water?] over their arm. Drawing 5 clearly shows a person bleeding to death after stabbing themselves with a pair of scissors whilst running, then changing the hand that the scissors were in just to confuse onlookers. Finally, drawing 6 clearly shows a person vomming after having drunk the contents of a whole bottle of Tippex.

I know what you're thinking! 'Why the hell didn't Stanley go to art school?!' It's fine, I do music instead. On a serious note, we were told to conjure up six instances where a person had been injured IN OUR WORK PLACE. Now call me a sceptic but should I be worried to work here? Someone else drew a stick man getting shot outside the front door. I definitely thought about wearing a bullet vest the next day. On an even more serious note, I did actually learn a whole lot; mainly that I could save your life if you happened to nearly faint in front of me [i'd put you on the floor and stick your legs up] or decide to drink a bottle of poison [a common occurrence in McDonalds apparently]. All in all I had a brilliant day saving the life of a plastic torso and learning just how not to freeze in situations such as the ones in my drawings. I definitely suggest that you all take the opportunity to do a first aid course if it is offered!

TWO] Kate Middleton has boobs: Whilst this may come as a massive shock to most people [I am told ten year
         old girls idolise her], we can not ignore the fact that the future mother of the future King's future children
         decided to bear her bosoms, probably to avoid tan lines [which I'm sure are a horror with all the overtly

         revealing outfits she wears to Commonwealth tours and such like]. This news is almost like Prince Harry-
         Gate Part III.

I think probably a quick stop off at a finishing school in Switzerland and she'll be fine.

         As I said before; with great wealth, crowns and titles comes great responsibility. As a young woman who
         occasionally goes on holiday and has lowered the occasional bikini strap to avoid all sorts of different

         tan lines, i've got to say I have never had the urge to bare all. I can't even say I'd do it with no one around! 

         Now that is just personal preference, something everyone has the right to express, but really, how can 

         one of the most well-know [famous] people in the world not realise that members of the paparazzi own

         long lense cameras? Or even that they will go to any lengths to grab 'the' shot. This is the only thing that
         baffles me. If I was in her position [which is as likely as Alex Reid staying away from women's clothing],
         I would keep my top on just in case! A scenario just like this would probably play out in my head:

             "My husband might end up as King of England soon. I probably shouldn't reveal my boobies just
              in case.."

        Oh well, the Irish Daily Star has not been shut, Sweden and Denmark both plan to publish the photos and
        and John Galliano's lawyer has a lot of work ahead of him. Lets hope that Katherine would at least have
        learnt a lesson: Always buy strapless!

Like this one for example, Ivana Omazic for Celine, Spring 2009.

It covers the naughty bits and is still omg revealing.

The week ahead is sure to be fruitful [not at all making a dig at my chili plants].

STANLEY

p.s you can find my Killers article on Hellion Magazine . See previous post for link!