STANLEY SAYS

THIS week I learnt that:
      a] I have to find and move into a new place to live within the next four weeks and, 
      b] my dad was in hospital


STANLEY
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ADD A SALAD

TODAY is Thursday, the day of blogs and, seemingly, the day of good ideas. Is there a correlation? I have no idea, but lets hope today's optimism carries on into tomorrow. On that note:

ONE] Salad is difficult to eat: Whilst it seems this has taken me a lifetime to figure out, the phrase 'better late
         than never' comes to mind. This is proving a particularly difficult problem to tackle since I would say salad
         comprises 50% of my diet, with bread taking up the remaining 50&.This means that poor Linda at work has
         to deal with me attempting to eat every lunchtime in a way that can only parrallel that of a three-month old
         baby. I realise that salad at first thought may not seem as difficult to eat as the throat-chokers that are
         spaghetti or melted cheese, but really, have you ever tried eating kale with a blob of tomato and some
         edamame beans balancing on the tip of your fork? I nearly always:
                a] miss my mouth, 
                b] end up with a green keyboard, or
                c] completely not miss my mouth, which doesn't open in time.
       Please don't stop this from inviting me out to dinner. I swear I have perfect table-etiquette, just so long as
       I don't order a salad of any sorts. Interestingly, I was once told that the Queen never eats spaghetti or salad
       in public for the same reasons and, frankly, no one is judging her so...

The 'Spalad'. A concoction deadlier than..something really deadly.

TWO] Singing at work can make you famous: This story begins with a lady from Birmingham [good genes]

          singing whilst working on her concession at Debenhams. A music industry person [responsible for

          making the likes of Take That famous] happened to be walking by at this exact moment and BOOM,
          he changed her life forever by offering her a recording contract and a first class ticket out of Debenhams.

          Do things like this really happen? I lived in Birmingham for thirteen years [I think] and no one remotely
          important in the music industry passed by, let alone in Debenhams! I suppose what I am trying to say is

          that every day could be the day that your life changes. If you walk out of your house in the morning with

          this in mind your day will almost certainly be better than it was the day before. Miraculous things won't
          happen i.e if this lady was a horrendous singer she most likely wouldn't have caught that gentleman's
          attention, just like on my walk home in half an hour a Aston Villa football scout isn't going to come up to

          me and profess that I am the best striker he has ever seen [although in their current state it's probably not

          that unbelievable]. Keep realistic ladies and gentlemen, but don't banish any thoughts of greatness from
          your minds either.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

THREE] LinkedIn is the new 'facebook': I realised this on Saturday, whilst my friend and I were queuing to get into
             a ridiculously packed venue to watch a band play. Needless to say we didn't get in and the cold did, but 

             we both learnt something during our hour's [an entire hour] wait in frankly arctic conditions. After being
             accosted [bombarded with words] by a rather merry gentlemen in front of us, we were finally relieved of
             an unbelievably awkward conversation when we decided to leave, but not before the phrase "Add me on

             LinkedIn" was thrown in our direction, accompanied by two pristine business cards. Do people seriously
             do this? Is facebook a dead duck stuck in workplace social media hell? Perhaps this isn't news to you, 

             but it certainly was to my friend and I [please don't spam my LinkedIn account] as we revelled in the
             aftermath of hysterical disbelief and the thought of a warm bar. Unsurprising neither of us 'added' this
             young man, with the business cards finding new homes [sadly] in the bottom of our bins. Rather than an
             act of disdain, this was more to save ourselves from stalking the poor fellow and laughing ourselves
             silly. Regardless of whether this was funnier after a few rum and cokes, let this be a lesson to all you
             social media friend seekers. The words 'add me' should never be used in a conversation with the

             opposite sex unless you are under the age of 10, in which case you are too young to be 'poking' people

             on facebook anyway.

YES YOU DO.

I will leave you with a video that made me laugh a lot today.

Don't forget to enjoy your weekend and say hi to your mom.

STANLEY

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MUSIC DIZZLE FO' SHIZZLE

'TWAS the Thursday before the SNOW STORM and all around the house.. etc etc so whilst today may not be wrapped up in a fluffy, white blanket, this is the last Thursday before the gargantuan amounts of snow we will be getting tomorrow apparently [hopefully]. And on that knowledgeable note lets delve into things Stanley has learnt this week:

ONE] Music is great: I mean obviously we all know this, but this week I have actually found myself excited by the
         fact that I could potentially be going to two gigs within the next two weeks. I'm positive this has made no
         whale-sized waves [Star Trek reference, obv] in your lives, but for me these days that's as frequent as
         Amy Childs' appearances on the Daily Mail. I had almost forgotten how excited I used to get, planning
         some gigs weeks in advance in my teens [complete with outfit + frequent YouTube lyric sessions]; and no, 
         I may not be simultaneously memorising songs and musician names whilst I type, but i am going to go
         home and listen to a few songs [I probably won't] from each of the bands I might be seeing in order to get
         me 'in the mood' so to speak. These two gigs ARE:
                      a] O Children at XOYO this Saturday 19th January: £5 if you write your name on the event's
                          facebook page HERE [that link may or may not work].
                      b] The long anticipated return gig of  Smokey Angle Shades on Wednesday 30th January at the
                          Shackwell Arms, £5 on entry, with their facebook event HERE [same applies].
         I'd say definitely go to the first one because its a Saturday and its in Shoredtich which is basically near
         everywhere i.e bus stops, Sainsburys Locals and trillions of kebab houses, and definitely go to the
         second one because you will probably never see a band who own this many feathers and necklaces in
         your life  [and they're also extremely talented].

Hats and stuff from Smokey Angle Shades.

Picture taken from THIS website.

TWO] Shopping isn't so bad: Most of you know this already, but I discovered this last Saturday having thrown
          myself into a boutique-y bubble I sometimes call Selfridges. Thanks to my vouchers I was allowed to
          run free [walk really, no need to run around that many people around], picking up whatever took my fancy.

          Contrary to the female stereotype, I saw what I liked in the first concession I went to and I BOUGHT it.
          Two dresses to be exact. I did wander round the rest of the store, ogling Chanel dresses and such like, 

          but I eventually ended up in a rather posh cafe, eating a goats cheese and mushroom tart and glugging
          down a glass of red wine, all paid for by my Christmas vouchers! Who knew you could do such a thing?!
          Before I went I was told of the silent shopping pods that would be there if I happened to feel a little
          overwhelmed. I promised i'd report back on my experiences with these areas which, I have to say, lasted
          no longer than it takes to look at something then look away [because that is what I did]. Most of these
          pod sort of things were placed smack bang in the middle of little bit of space that people use to get around

          the heaving makeup desks. Who wants to sit right there under a big white mushroom with big fat

          headphones on in front of all these people? [most of whom would probably be staring] Needless to say I

          didn't see anyone use these things. Good idea, badly executed. On a happier note, i DID buy some 

          nailvarnish from nails inc. and it isn't black! Woah:

I have actually been sporting this colour all week. Thanks for noticing.

THREE] Snoop Lion's people [is it two 'n' s? Or do we still call him Snoop Dogg?] have a sense of humour: Who
             would have thought it? But they really do.They [along with someone called John Beatty] have created
             a site that looks spookily like google but one that has been royally pimped! The beauty is, it works in
             just the same way! All you have to do is type the URL that you want to view into the search engine
             and wait to be amazed. You'll never be able to look at the Independent website in the same way
             ever again. Every single article has been changed so that it is written just how Mr. Dogg [because I
             don't know how Snoop Lion speaks] would read it. PLEASE TRY IT NOW . I realise I may be
             horrendously out of date with this, but humour me. This has pretty much made my day.

So on a music theme I say sorry to all who hang in uncertainty with jobs at HMV and [with fear of sounding like an internet parrot] please support your local record store!

I'm off to prepare my snow boots.

Lots of love, 

STANLEY

POSITIVELY POTTY

ANOTHER Thursday into the new year and the influx of new things I've learnt is moderate to steady, sure to pick up pace soon! Lets waste no more time then:

ONE] Positive Thinking Works: I am aware this is probably going to make me sound incredibly annoying and
         [for those of you who remember as far back as last year] repetitive, but positive thinking really does work.
         I remember really pushing for this a few weeks before I was offered a job that ensured the longed-for move
         from Birmingham to London; now, at the beginning of a new year, I feel compelled to give it a go again.
         Safe to say that after one day it WORKED in a measurable, tangible way. I may or may not have thought
         positively [a lot] about receiving a large sum of money, BUT it doesn't have to be material things. You can
         even think away the flu, or think away traffic. The trick is to think of a negative thing in a positive way E.G
         If there is a lot of car/people traffic, rather than thinking 'Woah, this traffic is crap AND will make me late',
         think, 'I have plenty of time to get catch my plane to the Bahamas' or wherever it is you are heading.
         You can basically do this for any thought you have and, as irritating as it may seem to you on this post,
         I urge you to give it a go. Here's some encouragement:

YOU can be an action man too; unless you're more into

 fashion - then you can be Ken.

TWO] Shopping Scares Me: Yes. Like a little leaf on a large street surrounded by loads of really big leaves, I

          seem to panic slightly when I have to go shopping for clothes [I don't even understand my own analogy]

          because I have realised that I can't get away with wearing clothes I wore in sixth form anymore.

          So you can imagine what a pickle I have put myself in having decided that I am going to spend an entire
          day alone in Selfridges trying to use up my Christmas vouchers on a Saturday. That is me - my 

          headphones - six floors of material goodness and my incapability to shop for myself. I have therefore

          compiled a list of things to get me through the day:

            a] Don't go in there with any 'need to buy' items. Added pressure will only result in disaster.

            b] Take it a floor at a time. If I like something, no dilly-dallying and no returning to the floor. I either buy
                it or take a hike.

            c] Hydrate. I'll take a cold bottle of water with me. No body/brain likes to be starved of water when an
                important task needs to be carried out in a stuffy department store.

        I feel quite confident that if I put all this into place, i'll survive AND come back with more than one item.

        If I do i'll post visual evidence.

        If you have any additional tips please..share them.

TAKEN FROM THIS BLOG even though its going to be me.

THREE] Toddlers Use iPads! : Stop what you are doing. Put down that Kit-Kat smeared pen. Push away that
             coffee-drenched keyboard, for the iPotty has been created. The Consumer Electronics Show in Las
             Vegas proved fruitful, presenting super HD TVs, autopilot cars, and intelligent spoons that inform
             you if you are eating too quickly [though if you buy one of these, the speed at which you eat is
             clearly the least of your problems]. One thing that wasn't on BBC News the other morning however
             is the iPotty, which is basically exactly what the title suggests: a potty with an iPad attached

             [smallprint: iPad not included].

             This story seems to have packed two giant baby-sized punches:

                 a] Toddlers use iPads?! When did this happen? Why is technology constantly trying to make me
                     sound like a Victorian grandma? I don't even own an iPad and can't even begin to deal with an
                     iPhone. Now the Daily Mail are telling me that toddlers use these electronic elements on a
                     daily basis, even showing adults how to use them. I'm not sure I want to see this ever happen in
                     front of me.

                b] Why would pre-pants people need to play with an iPad whilst they have a two second wee?!
                    By the time they switch the thing on they're done. How does this make any sense? Oh, the
                    seat can be covered so it becomes a chair? So the children will sit on a wee-smelling chair all
                    day playing on an iPad instead of throwing toys around the house and jumping on the sofas?
                    I admit I can see where some parents might be tempted. But really. This is so wrong.

                I would like to think that these inventors will one day create something more useful, like an electronic
                sweet dispenser, or.....well something more useful.

Nice and innocent and OH there's an iPad.

One full day to go before I attempt the impossible.

Don't forget to think positively [ignore all cynicism about the shopping spree in question].

Lots of love, 

STANLEY

               

A NEW YEAR SWISH

IT's the first Thursday of 2013 and goodness isn't it a glorious one? Lets not beat about the bush [which is probably a soggy mess due to the annoying amount of rain the entire world has been experiencing recently]. Here are a few things I have learnt and brought with me into the new year:

ONE] Christmas and NYE live up to the hype if you don't..hype: Exactly, I was really really looking forward to
         Christmas this year and, whilst I didn't feel at all Christmassy 'til the day before, it made the main day
         which had crept up on me a wonderful one. No hype, just Christmas. Food, presents, drink, presents,
         board games and presents. What more could I ask for? I was just happy that Poppy liked her presents:

And here she is whilst I tested out one of mine.

         I spent the day with twenty seven other people which ensured the day was exactly the right level of
         loudness I like at Christmas, with Articulate and Chase the Ace being played on a monumental level
         [my team won obv]. I was as stuffed as the Turkey by the second round of food:

Thank you Sophie, the only one to actually look at the camera.

        New Years did far from disappoint; creeping up on us again [I need a calendar for my birthday] and being

        heralded by three and a half hours at work, a windswept walk to Euston which destroyed my umbrella and
        finally the train to Northampton's finest Travelodge. No bling, no blong, just a lot of friends and a lot of rum.

        With the countdown over out came two large boxes of headphones; so began the surprise silent disco and
        the incredible out of tune, vodka drenched renditions of every song under the sun.

        Here are my favorite pictures of some of my favourite people:

I'm not one of my favourite people i'm just in this picture.

          And with this I shall list my New Years' resolutions:

                 one] Be infinitely more positive about everything because a] it works and b] it makes you feel better.

                 two] Read at least three times a week. This figure should be higher, but nothing is worse than an

                        unrealistic goal.

                 three] Have at least four bread-free days a week. This figure should also be higher, but nothing is..

                 four] Achieve at least three things to be very proud of by December 31st. Last year had a big

                        beginning so I got to this number by March.

         I should probably think up something else but four takes up just the right amount of space in my
         brain. I'll post updates on how I am getting on. Probably. Definitely about number three since I think about
         bread a lot.

TWO] The world didn't end!:  By about five o'clock on 21st I was suitably convinced that actually the world wasn't

          going to end and that I would be able to see Christmas, stuff my face with stuffing and chase the cat
          around the living room with wrapping paper. How embarrassed would you feel if you were one of those
          people who moved into an underground bunker with a years' supply of food? What I don't understand is if
          the world was going to end in a horribly devastating way, how would a bunker save anyone?! Surely the

          whole planet would go, underground Russian clubs included. Either way, the world and all its problems are

          still here, but so are its GOOD bits. So lets remember that and enjoy the beginning of another 365 days of

          surprises [resolution one. CHECK].

Google gem.

THREE] Humans can wag their tails: Excuse me? We don't have tails. Well, not until the other day when

             Japanese inventor Shota Ishiwatari designed a gadget that has been described on the Daily Mail
             website as the 'must-have accessory for 2013'. I have an issue with this. Animals wag tails to show
             happiness [mainly] to someone/thing that is making them happy. Humans don't need to do this because

                 a] we can talk, and

                 b] we can TALK.

            I can't for the life of me see just how this idea is going to take off. There is also one flaw [apart from the
            fact that it is completely ridiculous]. The gizmo monitors heart rate and wags more the faster the

            wearer's heart is beating. So if you were wearing your newly bought tail in a park snd you are 

            fond of labradors but not those large overgrown bull-doggy dogs with foam and saliva dripping from every

            corner of its face. At this moment one of those drippy dogs comes right at you. Your heart rate
            increases, your tail wags violently and the dog assumes you are enjoying this so jumps right onto you.

            WHAT THEN?!

This picture is on the Daily Mail website, clearly showing how
great you would look with a fake tail.

I for one can not wait to see these littering the streets before a consequent Instagram frenzy.

I wander how many of my resolutions I'll break this week?

NONE because i'm a machine.

Lots of love

STANLEY