BREAKING BRUIZE SHIP

IT is not Thursday. I have not invented time travel and ridden forward in time in a car with my dog. I'm just writing this a day early because I have to, but lets embrace the wonder that is a Wednesday and all its mid-week mood-lifting qualities with a list of things I have learnt in [just under] a week:

ONE] Breaking Bad is addictive: My God is it. I have to admit that the first two episodes didn't really show much
         promise to me. It seemed as though the plot was going to unwind as slowly as a one-legged tortoise but
         goodness was I wrong. Our evenings for the last week and a bit have been punctuated by 'Breaking Bad'
         time, with everything else working around that. Its like the OC all over again just with more
         meth-heads and less champagne. If this hasn't drawn you in enough, the cast features the dad from
         Malcolm in the Middle [a selling point according to my boyfriend] and a guy whose character's name is
         'Hank'. What more could you literally want? The series is a twisty tale of the life of a chemistry teacher
         turned-meth-cook and the sticky situations in which he finds himself. I definitely haven't done the thing
         justice, but I strongly urge you to start watching this if you haven't already [although most of you probably
         have] unless you:
            a] like to make plans during your evenings. Forget about those - they will go down the proverbial drain,
            b] suffer from acute pins-and-needle-itis. You won't move for at least three hours, or
            c] take on the speaking patterns of other people quickly, unless you want to keep calling your boss, 
                'bitch' or answer the phones with 'Yo!'
       Intrigued? 

Breaking Bad is set in America.

Here's a picture I took of a stall in America.

TWO] The Titanic is re-appearing, and you could sail with it!: I'm not suggesting that we all don scuba outfits,
          pile on the weights and sip fake tea from broken china miles under the Atlantic. An Australian tycoon is
          going to build a ship as close in detail to the original Titanic as possible. Now there's not really much
          wrong with this idea except for, oh I don't know, the Titanic SANK. Clearly, it is not the best ship to
          base another one on. I for one am hoping it is just the decor that will be copied. For example there needs
          to be many more lifeboats and, after the recent Carnival cruise-ship poo-gate, an emergency plumbing
          system.

          I am of the view that it will have a tough act to follow since pretty much the whole world has seen
          James Camron's Titanic [released in 1997, that's how old we are] and will be expecting Leonardo DiCapro

          to be jumping out from corners, making the experience an entirely better one. Saying that, the RMS

          Titanic was the most luxurious cruise liner of its time, putting many of ours to shame, and I am
          wholeheartedly excited for the hype and enthusiasm to die down so I can go and have a little look around

          [assuming it survives the maiden voyage]. Oh gosh imagine if the crew played a really horrible joke on
          the lucky first voyagers. Good job I am not on the committee.

Here is a picture of me [left] and

my sister [right] during a cruise

many years ago.

THREE] Degu Update: Yes, this week I have learnt that degus like to squish together not just in twos but in

             fives. Pretty cosy work there. All are doing fine and are as mischievous as ever and clearly going for
             some kind of Guinness World Record.

I do believe that four of these little degus need new homes.
If interested apply within!

This Sunday sees me moving house [Flat. We can't afford a house obviously]. I'll probably be a big stress-head
on Saturday, as cool as a frozen cucumber on Sunday and as lifeless as a zombie on Monday. But at least by Thursday I would have learnt the answers to some pretty important questions, like 'just where is the electricity meter?' and 'Is it acceptable to just buy plastic plates when people come over?'.

Enjoy the sun.

STANLEY

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BABY BOOM BOXES

WELL would you believe it is Thursday again? Thankfully I have learnt a few things [that you probably already knew] and will probably learn a whole host of things next week. Things like 'How many jumpers can you fit into one bag?'. This week however I learnt that:

ONE] Everyone is pregnant: Boys excluding, obviously, but it seems that May must have seen some pretty
         potent aphrodisiacs flying around all over the place, with oysters and asparagus having a double dose of
         their usual potion. I can safely say this because apart from every single remotely famous woman
         being either ready to pop, or popping as I type, there are no less than three young girls in my family all due
         next weekend (ish). THREE? Well two now as one was born yesterday a few weeks early (Hiya Tia
         Alexandra Eleftheriou!). If this has happened in my family alone, I can only imagine what is going on in
         the rest of the wold. I mean, I always knew May was a great month [obviously because that's when the
         best people were born, like me] as it normally heralds the summer, sometimes enticing bikinis out
         of their draws, but I didn't realise it has such fertility powers! Sadly I do not have any photos of pregnant
         women. I do however have a two-year old photo of me with a newborn. Unrelated?:

Not so! This baby boy's sister is actually 

due next weekend..

N.B I am also not usually that tanned.

TWO] Moving house is stressful and exciting in equal measure: Whenever anyone said to me 'moving house is
          in the top ten most stressful things to do, along with divorce.' I would shrug and think 'How difficult can it
          be to move a few boxes in a van?' What I clearly failed to realise is the fact that the act of moving
          possessions is not what was being referred to. The amount of admin,checks and uncertainty that go hand
          in hand with pre-house moving is unbelievable, mainly due to the fact that everything seems really last

          minute. 'Aren't you moving flats next weekend?' 'Yep.' 'Don't you think you should start packing?' 'Oh.

          Yeah.' The fact is things don't seem to be finalised until you are actually physically out of the one flat and

          eating food off plastic plates in the next. Saying that, the excitement of moving into a flat with your

          boyfriend/girlfriend/alien friend and them alone is almost overwhelming; that and the fact you can 'walk

          around the kitchen and make a cup of  tea naked' as I was told last weekend. So, I have that to look

          forward to. That and,

                         a] I can basically stamp the place with things that I like,
                         b] It will take me approximately ten minutes to get to work, and

                         c] I won't get weird looks when I'm eating mushy peas with salad.

I'm as happy as when Donald Duck does his
'Happy Dance' when he sees another

feathered creature.

             The big move is imminent. More updates to come!

THREE] Degu Update: Having given up on my chilis mainly due to the fact that I won't be able to take all four
             plants with me, there will be an [almost] weekly Degu feature. Cast your minds back two weeks to
             when I introduced you all to Cinammon's five babies. They are now two weeks and one day old, much
             bigger and much more mischievous!

Here are three squished baby degus. Apparently they like to
'squish' to keep warm. Fair dos.

'Wait wait get my good side'

And here's how much they'll grow in about

eight weeks...

             Sadly Holly won't be keeping all five, but she will be keeping one lucky little girl degu so we can
             track her progress and whether she'll too be pregnant by the time she's 10 weeks old. ahem.

This weekend will see me mostly sleeping and trying to fit big things into small bags.

I saw Billy from the subways the other day at Angel tube station. He still has a dodgy haircut.

Lots of love, 

STANLEY

ONE MILLION LOVELY LETTERS AND AN INFLATABLE

I can't quite believe it is Thursday again, but that's probably something to do with the fact I spent yesterday wrapped up in a duvet trying not to move. On a happier note, today is the day of love, originally the day birdies found their partners [I actually studied the text at Uni but can't quite remember what it was called]. Lets get right to it then!

ONE] Letters are lovely: I know this because a] I love receiving them and, 
                                                                 b] so does pretty much everyone else, unless it is a bill. Then not
                                                                     so much.
         Someone who understands this very well is my friend Jodi Ann Bickley who has taken it upon herself to
         write 'one million lovely letters' to people around the world who need a little bit of cheering up. A wonderfully
         selfless and humbling act considering Jodi has recently been learning how to deal with a life-changing
         medical condition. The process is simple: if you're feeling a bit down, under the weather, or perhaps a bit
         lonely, send an email to onemillionlovelyletters@gmail.com stating your address and the reason why you
         are writing to Jodi and you will receive a lovely response in the form of a beautifully decorated, personalised
         letter. For today's mail alone she had post ready to send to Namibia, TX, Peru, Hong Kong, Selly Park,
         Surrey, New Zealand, London, Smethwick, New Orleans, Belgium and Qatar. I think this is one of the
         best new projects I have ever heard of, bringing a whole new meaning to the term 'social media' whilst
         simultaneously doing something heart-warming for a stranger who just needs a bit of something lovely.
         Want to get involved? Spread the one million lovely letters word and watch the letters multiply!

The beautiful and talented Jodi who I have had the
pleasure of playing a gig with. She writes the
best poems.

TWO] Valentines Day is great: I know I'm offending rather a lot of people by saying this, whilst simultaneously
          aiding the 'pocket-filling' for the likes of Clintons Cards, but it is. This isn't just because I am in a
          wonderful relationship; I liked this day when I was single too [which was for about 22 years of my life. My
          highlight was the googly-eyed gorilla card that I used to get yearly from my dad, signed by other people
          obviously]. My question is why take offence to a day that advocates love and friendly gestures? This might
          be a contradiction in terms since I believe that every day should be its own little
          Valentines day [sop bucket], but it happens regardless of what I think, so I might aswell embrace it! In
          light of this here are some V-day facts and traditions to help your afternoon along: 
                    a] The first man an unmarried woman saw on 14th February would be her husband. [unlucky
                        if this is your dad?]
                    b] In Wales wooden love spoons were carved and given as gifts [bargain!] on February 14th.
                    c] In the Middle Ages young women picked names from a bowl to see who their valentines would
                        be. They would proceed to wear these names on their sleeves for an entire week. Slightly
                        awkward if you were to bump into this person on your way to milking the cows i'd imagine.

Here's a picture I took in Paris a few years ago.
The city of love, and tree scratches.

THREE] There is a young man in America [obviously] who loves his inflatables, and by inflatables I do not mean
             inflatable women. By inflatables I mean swimming pool inflatables. The kind you used when you couldn't
             swim. The kind that resemble whales, sharks and undecipherable animals. Obviously I found this story
             on my favourite entertaining website the Daily Mail , but still, I saw video evidence! As far I can tell he
             does not have a sexual relationship with the plastic, air-filled objects, but he does kiss them. I don't
             know. If I was not shown a lot of love as a child I'd probably be trying to hug strangers or adding to a
             vast collection of talking dolls, or something of the sort. Thankfully I was hugged on average 12324235
             times a day and you don't have to witness any of these scenarios. But you have to feel sorry for the poor
             boy! Until you seem him set food out for them at the dinner table. That's just a waste.

This is the only photo of something that looks remotely 

'inflated'.

On Saturday I will be going out to dinner with my wonderful boyfriend and celebrating with a delicious meal paid for by my beautiful sister. I'm jealous of mySELF.

Lots of Love, 

STANLEY

p.s I'm going to stop using pictures from the Internet and just use ones I have taken so I don't get hit with a law suit. You have a whole year of random pictures to look forward too. Lucky you!

              

WISHY WASHY DEGU DOSHY

Following last week's short and [the opposite of] sweet post, I shall endeavour to write a little more, even though I can feel myself falling further and further under the weather! Lets not waste any more time. This week I have learnt that:

ONE] If you don't visualise AND ask, you don't get: Its fair to say that something I thought improbable has
         happened, which should see me less stressed at least for the next two weeks. Think of a sticky situation

         and something that would get you out of it. That could happen sooner  and easier than you think. I realise

         this is all rather Murder She Wrote but i'll probably divulge more information within the next few weeks. All I

         know is that after losing my appetite this lunchtime from feeling a little poorly, I deserve 

         gargantuan celebratory pizza, or something of the sort. It's bound to fix me. But yes, pretty much anything

         is possible if you want it bad enough. And yes I want that pizza pretty bad.

Couldn't find a single eyelash,

so here's around sixty to wish on (from THIS website)

TWO] Baby degus can have..babies: Yes, a fact i'll bet most of you didn't know, but one that I discovered this
          week after our famous Cinnamon had FIVE baby degus, with a labour time of around six hours [that's

          as long a flight to somewhere pretty far away]. The most baffling part of this story is the fact that Holly
          took the degus home when they were only a few weeks old, meaning that some rather naughty boy degus
          [also babies] must have broken into their cage and had some..fun. For weeks Cinnamon was getting larger
          and larger [she had a bum Kim Kardashian would have been proud of], eating more and more food and

          moving less and less [All tell-tale signs of degu pregnancy]. But no, Holly believed Cinnamon merely had
          bad wind, to explain the moving ripples on her tummy. BAD WIND? Just be aware if you are about
          to take in some seemingly innocent baby degus. They like themselves and the company of others so

          much that they need to be surrounded by more as soon as physically possible.

"Five baby degus sitting in a tree.." That's probably not even inappropriate at this age, 

the slags!

And here's a close-up of two sleepy ones.

A bit too cosy for my liking!

THREE] Phone companies hate me: 'Hate' may be a strong word, but really, they do. I feel as though I change

             company as often as my shampoo in the hope that the next one is miraculously more caring than

             the last [to my phone]. Alas, I am failed every time. Today will see me taking back my phone for the
             third time since February, most of which happened within the last three months. The annoying thing is
             it has to do with exactly the same problem. If I don't come back with a completely new phone on the
             spot [or at least something for free] I will be writing a rather damning piece on this blog naming and
             shaming, along with the letter I'm going to send to Mr Big. RANT OVER. Back to your texting.

This is how I have felt about my phone since February.

This weekend sees me wishing my mom a Happy Birthday in person, something she now knows about [it was a surprise] because of the emotional damage she did to me over the phone whilst thinking that my boyfriend and I weren't coming up. KNEES UP.

STANLEY

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