BAGEL HEAD

Being quite shocked at what this week has taught me, I’m going to dive straight in:

ONE] Some people really do like bagels more than I do: Whilst this may come as a shock to those of you who

         know me well, no one was more shocked than I on reading the phrase ‘Bagel Heads’, let me tell you.  But

         who are these new tribe of humans? You would be right to think this is beginning to sound like an episode

         of Star Trek: The Next Generation as the people involved look like they have stepped straight off the set

         minus most of the make up. What these people do is inject saline into their bodies to create a 3D shape

         under the skin. Loads of people have done this already though right? Not like this they haven’t. These

        ‘Bagel Heads’ are aptly named because saline is injected into their foreheads, then a thumb is squeezed

         into the middle in order to create a bagel-like shape. The procedure takes a teeth-grindly long TWO

         HOURS and involves the ‘patient’ [term is used in the loosest sense] sitting down with a drip being fed

         straight into their heads.

Arty and moody picture on the Daily Mail's website. From drips to dance floors in two hours.

Look like something out of a horror film? It basically is, it’s just not being videod and shown to mass audiences in sequence. Probably the most shocking thing about this procedure is that it lasts a mere sixteen to twenty four. WHAT IS THE POINT? Most people die their hair, pierce their scrotum or wear garish makeup to stand out which:

       a] lasts so much longer,

       b] doesn’t involve a drip being fed into your head, and

       c] doesn’t result in you looking like a COMPLETE FOOL.

Just in time for the re-launch of Myspace. ''Me and my Bagel LOL"

One thing is for sure. I’ve never held in a laughing fit as much as I had to do yesterday when I spotted this article at work. Thank you once again Daily Mail. And Japan.

TWO] You can never have too much breakfast: Whilst the fattest man in the world might argue with you on this

          point, I came to this realisation on Tuesday when we had ‘Coffee & Breakfast’ at work [which ended up

          being more like Breakfast & Breakfast for me]. Since we rolled out boxes of croissants and pastries, I

          knew it was going to be a bad food day and all hope of resisting would have been futile. In the end I

          managed to devour a bowl of cocpops, a croissant, a fruit pastry thing and some strawberries, all before

          half nine in the morning. And how did I feel afterwards? Bloody AMAZING. Sometimes we need to treat

          ourselves and a late-night pizza on a Sunday or a gigantic breakfast on a normal Tuesday morning

          shouldn’t be met with thoughts of FatHab [rehab but…not].

The only thing I didn't eat was the Ivy.

THREE] My chili plants are deaf: I know this because after weeks of slagging them off at every opportunity, my

             little chili plants have started to grow actual real-life chilis! I was doubtful at first, mistaking this little

             blob of green for yet more sprouting leaves, but after a closer look I realised that in fact they were the

             beginnings of edible chilis. Little foetus-like chilis that look so innocent but pack a punch as big as

             whoever won gold at the Olympics [I was busy using all the space in London that appeared during the

             games].

I haven't even zoomed in [crop doesn't count]. 

So it seams positivity really IS the key [I may have slagged them off but I also talk to and encourage them. Definitely not as weird as shoving a bagel into my head so..]

This weekend will see lots of rain, but apparently not on Saturday.

You heard it here first!

[or probably on the news, where I heard it]

STANLEY

FIRST AID, BOSOM BABE

SO after a hiatus of a few hours I am back with things I've learnt this week:

ONE] First aid is FUN: Really? How can something that is focused around bringing people back to life be

         remotely associated with the 'F' word? Well - I will demonstrate with a few diagrams that were produced
         by me and explained by my first aid partner Holly. Don't however look at these drawing if:

            a] you are squeamish. These drawings are preeetty realistic. or, 

            b] you get offended by stick men.

Exhibit A. Drawing 1 clearly shows a person sticking a knife into a toaster. Naughty stick man. Now you have been electrocuted [as shown by the stick man laying on the floor]. Drawing 2 clearly shows a person that has been stuck in a warm lift for a long time and, on leaving, is about to faint. Should have fixed that lift.

Exhibit B. Drawing 3 clearly shows a person lying unconscious and NOT breathing [very important] having fallen down the stairs after doing a little dance. Oh dear. Drawing 4 clearly shows a person with a burn, after they felt the need to spill their hot water [who drinks hot water?] over their arm. Drawing 5 clearly shows a person bleeding to death after stabbing themselves with a pair of scissors whilst running, then changing the hand that the scissors were in just to confuse onlookers. Finally, drawing 6 clearly shows a person vomming after having drunk the contents of a whole bottle of Tippex.

I know what you're thinking! 'Why the hell didn't Stanley go to art school?!' It's fine, I do music instead. On a serious note, we were told to conjure up six instances where a person had been injured IN OUR WORK PLACE. Now call me a sceptic but should I be worried to work here? Someone else drew a stick man getting shot outside the front door. I definitely thought about wearing a bullet vest the next day. On an even more serious note, I did actually learn a whole lot; mainly that I could save your life if you happened to nearly faint in front of me [i'd put you on the floor and stick your legs up] or decide to drink a bottle of poison [a common occurrence in McDonalds apparently]. All in all I had a brilliant day saving the life of a plastic torso and learning just how not to freeze in situations such as the ones in my drawings. I definitely suggest that you all take the opportunity to do a first aid course if it is offered!

TWO] Kate Middleton has boobs: Whilst this may come as a massive shock to most people [I am told ten year
         old girls idolise her], we can not ignore the fact that the future mother of the future King's future children
         decided to bear her bosoms, probably to avoid tan lines [which I'm sure are a horror with all the overtly

         revealing outfits she wears to Commonwealth tours and such like]. This news is almost like Prince Harry-
         Gate Part III.

I think probably a quick stop off at a finishing school in Switzerland and she'll be fine.

         As I said before; with great wealth, crowns and titles comes great responsibility. As a young woman who
         occasionally goes on holiday and has lowered the occasional bikini strap to avoid all sorts of different

         tan lines, i've got to say I have never had the urge to bare all. I can't even say I'd do it with no one around! 

         Now that is just personal preference, something everyone has the right to express, but really, how can 

         one of the most well-know [famous] people in the world not realise that members of the paparazzi own

         long lense cameras? Or even that they will go to any lengths to grab 'the' shot. This is the only thing that
         baffles me. If I was in her position [which is as likely as Alex Reid staying away from women's clothing],
         I would keep my top on just in case! A scenario just like this would probably play out in my head:

             "My husband might end up as King of England soon. I probably shouldn't reveal my boobies just
              in case.."

        Oh well, the Irish Daily Star has not been shut, Sweden and Denmark both plan to publish the photos and
        and John Galliano's lawyer has a lot of work ahead of him. Lets hope that Katherine would at least have
        learnt a lesson: Always buy strapless!

Like this one for example, Ivana Omazic for Celine, Spring 2009.

It covers the naughty bits and is still omg revealing.

The week ahead is sure to be fruitful [not at all making a dig at my chili plants].

STANLEY

p.s you can find my Killers article on Hellion Magazine . See previous post for link!

THE KILLERS - BATTLE BORN

HAPPY THURSDAY and here's a little post a little early just to say I reviewed the Killers' new album Battle Born for Hellion Magazine which you can find HERE

Here's a screenshot. Unnecessary.

See you in a few hours.

STANLEY

MO'LYMPICS

Another Thursday and another week of weird and wonderful happenings. Lest we waste any more precious time:

ONE] The Olympics really are over: I can safely say this as I was there when the last flag was waved and the

         last vuvuzela was blown. The Olympic Victory Parade ventured to St Paul’s which happens to be very

         close to where I work.  Roads weres blocked and crowds flocked to the streets to see team GB drive past,

         having watched them religiously for weeks, switching to BBC (then Channel 4) straight after work to catch

         the next triathlon or 200m breast stroke. I can only describe this parade as a Madame Tussauds on floats

         having been pimped-up with limb-moving machinery. I half expected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be on float

         6. I’m definitely glad I went as:

              a] it broke up the morning, and

              b] I saw the torch pass through the same streets at the beginning of the Olympics, so it was a nice

                 end to the whole affair.

        In a way it was a sad occasion as well as a celebratory one, mainly because although I did not manage to

        make a single event or wander around the park, I did get to feel some of the brilliant atmosphere that

        seemed to engulf London over the last few weeks. On a happier note, here’s an Olympican Mexian wave:

and here is Mo Farah..if I double zoom and you squint.

TWO] London Fashion Week is nigh!: Yes, tomorrow sees the beginning of  one of the most anticipated four

         days of the British calendar. So what does this mean to the group of us who aren’t in any way involved.

         Well my dearies – it means that:

               a] we’re going to have to take that extra pensive-time in the morning to choose an outfit that won’t

                   make us stand out. After all, who wants to be conspicuous for the wrong reasons when the streets

                   are lined with designer-dipped models? And,

               b] if you want to get a table in any restaurant remotely close to the centre of London, you’ll have to

                  camp from tonight.

         Sarcasm aside, I actually really like this time of year as it seems to fill my mind and my eyes with nice

         new things to wear and brilliant ways of dealing with my boring hair [which I am due to chop off again very

         soon. Bobs away!] Here’s another reminder of why we must embrace such a phenomenon:

THREE] My chilis are going MENTAL. Here we go. [It doesn’t really need much explanation]

I'll keep you posted if any chilis actually appear.

LOTS OF LOVE

STANLEY

FASHION KART

I genuinely can not believe it is Thursday again. It seems the time I have allowed myself to learn new things is getting less and less with each post! Regardless, here’s some things that I found out this week:

ONE] Outdoor go-karting is amazeballz omg rofl: Yes! Having failed miserably at the professional, hi-tech karting

         a few months ago [I ended up doing 8 laps and spent the other 40 cheering and drinking wine. Overalls

         half on.] I loved the rough-and-ready outdoor karting so much, I ignored the fact that I was getting battered

         by the chair I was sitting in whilst whizzing round corners. I did end up looking like I had been in a fight

         with a wild bear who’d had boxing lessons from Frank Bruno BUT I also finished with a grin the length of

         the Atlantic. I’d managed to complete a total of 60 minutes which included dodging my mother [who had

         conveniently driven herself in the middle of the track at ten miles per hour] and keeping up with my boy

         and my dad who were channeling the ora of boy-racers. Somewhere in my happy medium I managed to let

         go of the break and skid round sharp corners and s-shaped turns at an ungodly speed. Do not however try

         this if:

             a] you get remotely travel-sick. Whilst we didn’t feel it in the karts, the minute we stepped out we were

                steadying our heads with our hands and deep-breathing like women in labour. [I actually feel sick

                typing this]

             b] you bruise like a peach and/or have suspicious friends. I would advise the buying of concealer for

                both men and women and photographic evidence that the bruises as large as your face were done by

                seats and not fists.

That warning sign made me feel so brave.

TWO] The Germans have a lot of time on their hands: No, I haven’t been sitting in on top-secret EU meetings; I

          have however been reading the Daily Mail and they have told me that the Germans have invented a bike

          that has no saddle or pedals. Brilliant! In a world of increasingly obese people, the first thing we should do

          is definitely invent a bike that you don’t need to pedal. The second thing we should do is get everyone

          riding big yellow bikes on cycle paths the size of worms. Aside from all these obvious facts, the most

          blindly bloody obvious thing is that the person riding it will look ridiculous. Can they not invent something

          more useful like..something more useful?

The FLIZ bike. Great name, great bike.

THREE] Anna Dello Russo is bonkers: Yes, she might be the Queen of fashion and yes, she might have a

             better body than anyone you’ve ever seen even though she’s the same age as your grandma -  but

             really, what the hell is this video about?! Granted – it has given her new collaboration with

             H&M an amazing amount of coverage but it has also made me cringe [preposterous!] It reminds me of

             Countess LuAnn of Real Housewives of New York City fame and her Money Can’t Buy You Class

             song. There really is no need. However, the more I watch Ms Russo, the more I realise just what she

             is achieving. “Hi, I’m Anna and I am much cooler than you.So much so in fact that I can prance around

             in a plastic mini-dress, breathe some silly words into a mic, look awkward and STILL look better than

             you on your best day after an American-style makeover.” I think she wins. Well Done Dello

             Russo!

Money Can't Buy You Class, as well LuAnn knows.

This looks like someone's 'weekend vid of the weekend lol' on facebook.

Another hot weekend is headed our way and I will be in sunny Worthing what looks to be a beautiful wedding.

p.s HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD x

See Ya,

STANLEY